DEVIL DOLLS!

People love being scared. People love to get the fear.Why do you think that horror movies have never suffered at the box office and Stephen King has sold around 30 squillion books!! So what scares you then?....the dark, small spaces, axe wielding maniacs(fair enough). I gotta say, for me its ghostly or demonic kids (The Omen), ghostly or demonic kids crying (Ju-on, Ring, The Orphanage) or fucking scary ass VENTRILOQUIST DUMMYS!!!! Holy shit they give me the fear! If you have one in your house...get out right now, seriously, its plotting some murderous scheme that involves turning its head around slowly and looking at you and tellin' you to murder that girl you might have a chance at nailin'!



The scary wee bollocks' have had a few go's at the big screen. I watched the most recent one last night...'Dead Silence' by James Wan the same fella who introduced us to the dubious pleasures of the Saw franchise! Wan uses those potent plot devices, the ventriloquist’s dummy(AAAARGH!) and an old nursery rhyme to piece together a gruesome tale of supernatural revenge. Unfortunately the cast are so supernaturally shit that it’s impossible to care about any of them. The dialogue is dire and cliched.."If you go looking for answers you just might find them!"(???)...."I'm not the same person you knew,a stroke will do that to a man"...No shit!!!
But, after saying all that...I really enjoyed it. Its very well shot and has a surreal sorta feel to it, and the flashback scenes are great,and the dummy is the total double of Gary Numan! In one scene there are about 100 of the wee bastards on screen at once(new y-fronts please!) Anyway, any movie that has a scary wee ol' bastard of a puppet in it is always worth a look! Check these pant wetting 3 and half foot horrors---



MAGIC-1978-Dir.Dickie Attenborough-Starring-Anthony Hopkins

Hopkins portrays Corky Withers, a painfully shy but talented magician who overcomes his stage fright when he takes on a sidekick--an extroverted and bawdy ventriloquist's dummy he names Fats. As Corky's act becomes more and more popular and draws the attention of big-time agents and Hollywood brass, introverted and insecure Corky allows the artificial Fats personality to take control.

Quote--"Lets go up those stairs, and kiss that girl goodbye!"

Scary Bastard?--Yeah, would be scarier though if he did'nt wear my Dads jumpers!


DEEP RED-1975-Dir.Dario Argento-Starring-David Hemmings

Dario's masterpiece and the best giallo of all time.Dario consolidated his position as Italy's king of terror with this truly frightening horror thriller.The plot drifts into the world of childhood nightmares, a mother's body decapitated by a lift, a nursery rhyme and a fresco depicting a strange murder. This is one of the best movies ever and the one that brought him to the attention of Hitchcock! Ok, not really a demonoic doll movie, but, one does appear as a distraction before a murder and your mind goes!

Quote--"Hehehhehhehheheh" He does'nt talk...just laughs!

Scary Bastard?--Totally, and hes fully motorised so he could chase you around the house!



DEAD OF NIGHT-1945-Dir.Charles Crichton-Starring-Michael Redgrave
A pioneering horror classic, and still one of the most successful anthologies to date, with five different stories directed by four different directors.'The Ventriloquist's Dummy', featuring Michael Redgrave's unforgettable performance as a ventriloquist whose dummy gets the upper hand. The dummy's name is Hugo and he is without a doubt the scariest wooden wee shit ever...and believe me the films final scene with Hugo will give you nightmares...forever and ever!


Quote--"But it doesn't end there. You see, everybody in this room is part of my dream. Everybody."

Scary Bastard?--Your worst nightmare!!



Ventriloquist Dummies don't have to appear on the big screen to give you the fear check out these little terrors--
WEE WELL DRESSED BASTARD

THE ONLY TIME YOU'LL BE AFRAID OF ANYTHING GINGER!

THE DEMONIC ROGER MOORE

CROSS DRESSING HAS ALWAYS BEEN SCARY

A DEMONIC LITTLE BROTHER

.....AND HUGO!

REAL HORRORSHOW!

I found this greatness the other day....I had totally forgot about it. 3 Chidleys on their way to see 'Stoug Danhope'. Pete paid £4.95 for a tour of Edinburgh Dungeon....he'll remember that yin!

HULK-TACULAR!

There are some superheroes who really don't need much of an introduction. We all know that Superman's from Krypton; that Spider-Man was bitten by some kind of fucked-up spider; and that Bruce Banner, when he gets angry, becomes the Hulk. I was angry by the time I had left the cinema after watching this...but did'nt HULK out. Why? Cause I was bored! Inevitably this 'Incredible Hulk' is gonna be compared to Ang lee's 'Hulk'...and in some ways its better. The new movie, by comparison, is very pacey. The opening credits gets the Hulk's origin out of the way and then 20 minutes later we actually see him in action. In Ang Lee's movie Hulk does'nt show up for about an hour or so, the acting is far from energetic and the dialogue is tedious. But the new movie fares no better. There is no chemistry between Ed Norton and Liv Tyler...I read that Ed had rewrote some of the script (I hear he does this a lot!)...Why Ed? It could'nt have been any f**kin' worse...it plods along for 2 hours...more coffee please! Now the Hulk is one of Marvel's characters that does'nt really transfer that well on to the big screen...his origin, his emotional state, his journey...whatever all beg to be put on to the big screen...but the character itself always suffers on screen 'cause hes entirely CGI..he does'nt look REAL. At the end of the new movie theres a huge smack down between Hulk and The Abomination, I felt like I was watching a PS3 game...either that or Shrek! Now the last 20 minutes of Ang Lee's movie is severe, cause the screen is'nt filled with CGI bullshit and the focus changes all the time with split screen work and sliding panel wipes which makes the movie feel more like a comic book.

Anyway, both movies are brave and shite with a few good bits in each. Between them you woulda thought that there coulda been one half decent movie. Well at least he kept the fanboys happy in the new movie by sayin' "HULK SMASH".....HULK WASTE 2 HOURS OF JONNY'S LIFE, HULK COST JONNY £5.00, HULK COST JONNY £2.00 PARKIN', HULK BIG MUSCLE MARY!

Anyway enough of that brown....the Hulk is a great hero, a tragic hero...you want the Real Hulk, read these---

PLANET HULK-By Greg Pak

Planet Hulk is the epic storyline that defined the Hulk for over a year. The Illuminati (Iron Man, Mr.Fantastic,Dr. Strange, Namor,Black Bolt and Prof. X) conspire against Bruce Banner and banish the ultra-violent Hulk to an idyllic planet, where he can live out his days in peace, and never again posing a threat to the "puny humans" of Planet Earth. Anyway, the idyllic planet turns out to be a repressed backwater under the dictatorship of the Red King, a cruel bastard who revels in staging massive gladiatorial spectacles to be televised throughout the empire. The exotic aliens forced into combat include intelligent hive insects, rock monsters, and a certain nigh-invulnerable green giant who earns the name "Green Scar". While the set-up sounds like a retelling of a certain Russell Crowe movie, fans soon got a clue that something far more interesting is in store. This was a lot better than it shoulda been and is well worth a squint.

WORLD WAR HULK-By Greg Pak

The follow up to planet hulk. The Hulk and his Warbound have obtained a vessel that will take them back to Earth, where he will exact his revenge. He gives an ultimatum: give him the people who shot him into space, or he will smash the entire planet. No shit..Hulk is pissed off, totally! He fights just about everybody and lets be honest...they don't have a hope. World War Hulk was not the greatest but is was a spectacle to say the least. Marvel are makin' an animated movie based on it.

RETURN OF THE MONSTER-By Bruce Jones

It’s a subtle interpretation of The Hulk. Jones cuts the action as the Hulk explodes into a rage of fury, focussing on the events that trigger the transformation and the aftermath of the destruction.Banner is a man on the run, both from the authorities and himself; a haunted figure who moves from place to place, following news reports of his alter ego's destructive rampages and trying desperately to keep the beast inside him at bay through techniques like meditation and self-hypnosis. Via his laptop, Bruce communicates with an enigmatic idividual he calls Mr. Blue, who tells him when he is safe and when the authorities are closing in.The new movie has taken a few elements from Jones' runWhile its an innovative take on the jade giant, you can’t help but crave some hardcore ‘Hulk smash’ action. after sayin' that its still a classic.

HULK:THE END-By Peter David

This has to be my favourite Hulk story.The Incredible Hulk, is the last man on Earth. It's the Hulk's final battle, as "The Last Titan" wrestles his inner-demons in order to discover his place in a dying world - if only he can survive! Banner attempts to finally rid himself of his lonely existence, but naturally, Hulk not be having that. Banner is an old man now, on his last legs...his heart threatens to give out so he panics and when this happens...naturally he turns into The HULK.The End is a startlingly poignant and even somewhat frightening tale of a would-be demise of the jade giant.

DELIVERANCE II

SOUTHERN COMFORT YA SAY!!! .....Theres NOT much comfort for the fellas in Walter Hill's criminally underated 1981 movie! In the 70's and 80's you'd have been forgiven for thinking that Walter Hill might have been the next Sam Peckinpah...his movies were never genre specific,he loved action and he liked a his cinematic carnage to be in your face! His early movies are totally amazing 'The Long Riders', 'The Driver', '48 Hours' and of course 'The Warriors'. Southern Comfort is fairly similar sorta storyline to The Warriors but instead of a gang of 1970's disco-ed up street urchins...who are'nt 'packin'... in Southern Comfort they are a section of 1980's part-time National Guard...who are'nt 'packin'. The action is moved from the streets of New York to The Louisiana swamp land.

So, what happens...Eight part-time National Guardsmen embark on weekend training manoeuvres in the southern swamplands, the eight men represent a variety of personalities....but the two main characters are Spencer(Keith Carradine) the intellectual cynic, and Hardin(Powers Booth) the Texan survivalist and hater of the six-toe redneck mentality. But it is this big eared, hick,hillbilly mentality of some of their comrades, and their failure to respect

the local Cajun population, that ultimately gets the entire squad into deep, deep, deep shit! Lost in unfamiliar territory and hunted by the people who make the bayou their home, the soldiers strive to find their way out in one piece with only a few rounds of live ammunition. If their Cajun pursuers don't kill them, they just might kill each other.......Welcome to the Louisiana National Guard! The locals go to great lengths to torment the hapless soldiers, laying booby traps marked with an equal number of animal skins...seven soldiers, seven dead rabbits, and seven bear traps...Southern Comfort buys into the whole Backwoods Brutality genre created in the 1970s by films like The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974), The Hills Have Eyes (1977) and in particular Deliverance (1972). These films tended to portray a huge difference between unassuming city folk and the people living in backwoods America, and to huge effect...when you think of hillbilly folk you think of horror movies right? I think Walter sees Southern Comfort as his protest against the Vietnam war, which is around the time when the movie is set...out-of-their depth US servicemen and a native enemy who justify their extreme behaviour on the grounds they're protecting what's theirs, you don't have to look too hard to see that the film has a lot to say about Vietnam.

Southern Comfort is Walter's best movie...technically anyway, the tension he creates is is taut to say the least...I find myself thinking when I watch it 'if I was in that situation...I'd be totally fucked..seriously fellas don't expect me to do anything but rock back and forward while holding my kness!' Check out Southern Comfort, believe me, you'll never feel the same way about Cajun chicken again!

GRINDHOUSE??.....SHITEHOUSE!!

Can someone please tell Quentin Tarantino to stop making movies! If theres a petition to sign...I'll sign it, if theres an email that needs forwarding...I'll forward it and if theres a helpline that needs manned...I'll man it. Quentin has'nt made a good movie since 'Pulp Fiction'! 'Jackie Brown' starts well and tails off half way thru. Kill Bill Vol.1 and Vol.2 apart from 2 great fights suck ass...hes rips off movies he thinks no-one else has seen like 'Thriller-They call her One Eye' and 'Lady Snow Blood' and repackages it for fans that are waiting for another Pulp Fiction or Reservoir Dogs.
Death Proof is supposed to be a tribute to bad movies but sadly it just turns into a bad movie. Ok, I admire the intent..but the execution!!!Total brown! I read that he said this was the best dialogue he had ever written. F**k me...Quentin reel yourself in! Its the most unnatural, overblown, boring, irritating dialogue ever, and because of it his characters are shit and impossible to relate to...and in terrible need of a dog's beating!Quentin doesn't deliver on his own premise. In a proper grindhouse movie, absolutely anything goes--except for the one terrible taboo you must never break: whatever you do, never bore the audience....too late.....bored shitless! I don't think that Quentin has anything left to say cinematically and he is'nt half as hip as he thinks he is, you would'nt mind bullshit dialogue if it was in the least bit funny...but, its not. Death Proof feels like a tiresome Tarantino parody...so do yourself a favour, watch the AMAZING fake trailers and Robert Rodriguez's good movie trying to be bad, where anything goes...'Planet Terror'
I read an interview in a movie mag saying that Quentin said he was known for ressurecting old genres!! Well Quentin, if by old genres you mean shit movies? I'm sorry to tell you Hollywood have been doing that for years!

DIARIO DE LOS MUERTOS!

Y'know, this ‘Blair Witch’ style shaky-cam, in your face, horror movie fad thats goin' on right now is gettin' very old very quickly.As a sub-genre in the world of exploitation films, the faux documentary has a short history.Check out the 'found' footage of natives impaled on poles in Ruggero Deodato's 80's video nasty list botherer Cannibal Holocaust...the chills of The Last Broadcast or the sheer brilliance of brains over budget in The Blair Witch Project (new y-fronts please!). Recently, we've had to sit thru the Beverley Hills 90210 boring tedium that is 'Cloverfield' and the zombie master Mr George A. Romero returned with the disappointing 'Diary of the Dead'. So why bother watching this exhausted style of film making? Because [REC] may be the best zombie movie I've seen since 'Day of the Dead' A bold statement? Well, not really...'cause its true!

A Spanish horror following a Barcelona news station's coverage of a night at a fire station. Young and feisty reporter Angela (Velasco) and unseen cameraman Pablo are struggling for action from a sleepy fire brigade shift to interest potential viewers when an emergency call comes in seeking help for a trapped woman in an apartment block. Arriving at the scene, they find all the other tenants downstairs with two police officers and confusion over exactly what is going on. The rescue attempt ends in flesh-eating madness...where else would you get it?? The undead are at it again in a claustrophobic and genuinely taut 80 minutes of panic.[Rec] cranks up the tension to make the final five minutes extremely unsettling even after the shocks that have come before it. Gripping, authentic, convincing and unsettling....don't be put off by its gimmicky title, this movie is amazing and has the scariest kid since the exorcist. More good zombie movies please...any chance?

GOOD COP/BAD COP?

What happened to all the big screen cops? Where did they go? Whens the last time you seen a really good cop movie? Can't remember...no shit, neither can I?!? "But what about Street kings?"...don't waste your time,its pretty shitty..which is a real disappointment because it was directed by David Ayer who wrote 'Training Day' and 'Harsh Times', both great movies.Meanwhile in Street Kings Keanu Reeves is tryin' to act the hard lad which is pretty much impossible when he can't act for shit anyway! Forrest Whittaker phoning in his performance, Hugh Laurie spluttering out another generic american accent...well thats a bit harsh as hes probably doin' the best he can with the crappy dire-logue thats on display. Anyway heres a list of big screen cops that Keanu shoulda taken a few tips from--


GOOD COP or BAD COP?---Good Cop!
Daniel Auteuil plays Leo Vrinks in the superior french cop movie '36'. Vrinks and his crew use questionable methods to take down a gang of bank robbers who leave no witnesses. Often compared to Michael Mann's 'HEAT'..which is bullshit cause this movies characters are a lot more believeable.
QUOTE-"If I see you and your brother here again you'll wake up with his head inside your belly"

GOOD COP or BAD COP?---Bad Cop!

Denzel Washington plays Alonso a narcotics officer who is a crooked, burnt-out, streetwise cop and Ethan Hawke is a 'wet-behind-the-ears' clueless rookie. Alonso has his own ideas about how to 'PROTECT AND SERVE'

QUOTE---"You got today and today only to show me who and what you're made of. You don't like narcotics, get the fuck out of my car. Go get you a nice, pussy desk job, chasing bad checks or something, you hear me?

GOOD COP or BAD COP?---Shit cop!
Al pacino plays Vincent Hanna, an Armani suit wearin' mid-nineties cop who only catches the crooks cause he can shout louder and over act better than any one else in Michael Mann's 'Heat'. Vincent's personality is in direct contrast to De Niro's character's understated,cool persona.
QUOTE---"Don't waste my motherfucking time!" (at an annoying loud volume of course)




GOOD COP or BAD COP?---The badest,badass cop ever!

Vic Mackey is a force of nature and not to be fucked with! He shoots other cops in the face, steals $10mill
ion from mad-dog armeanians and basically takes no shit! But if your one of his boys, he'll have your back. Ok, so Vic is not a big screen cop, but he has to get amention cause The Shield is the best show on TV.

QUOTE---Captain Aceveda "You need to cool down and step back from this"
Det Vic Mackey "I don't step back...I step up"



GOOD COP or BAD COP?---Deviant Cop
Harvey Keitel plays the Bad Lieutenant,gambler,thief,junkie,killer,cop. If hes not crying while free basing hes blowing his muck over car doors---nice fella! A hard movie to watch but you cant spend your life watchin' The Wizard of OZ.
QUOTE---"What the fuck are you? A drug counsellor... or a drug dealer? If you don't deal your own product, what kind of businessman are you?"


GOOD COP or BAD COP?---Foul mouthed Cop!
Mark Wahlberg plays Captain Dignam a total ball buster who uses more bad language in 15 minutes than most people do in their entire life time.
QUOTE---"Hey asshole, he can't help you! I know what you are, okay? I know what you are and I know what you are not. I'm the best friend you have on the face of this earth, and I'm gonna help you understand something, you punk. You're no fuckin' cop! "



GOOD COP or BAD COP?---Unlucky Cop

Jason Patric is Det.Sgt.Nick Tellis and undercover NARC who gets suspended after a stray bullet hits a pregnant woman during a drug bust. A great undercover guy...but too smart for his own good.

QUOTE---"You two had better get a goddamn groove going, 'cause you're in a life and death struggle as of right fucking now! "




GOOD COP or BAD COP?---Dumb ass cop!

Stallone plays Freddy Heflin in Copland, an oafish loser cop whos the sheriff of Garrison, a town populated by cops most of them dirty. Freddy needs to grow a set of balls before he can do the right thing. Sheriff Freddy Heflin....say it quick enough and it sounds like Chief Wiggum!

QUOTE---"I look at this town, and I don't like what I see. " (boring quote. I know!)

"..IT COULD BLOW YOUR HEAD CLEAN OFF!"

OK, so this is'nt gonna be the most popular opinion I've ever had but, I think Magnum Force is a better movie than Dirty Harry! Don't get me wrong, I love Dirty Harry its a great movie, but I think Magnum Force is better....its certainly not as well directed as Dirty Harry,but it is better written ,better acted and the soundtrack by Lalo Schifrin is a total classic! A well-measured blend of suspense and action, the synergy of the script and acting make Magnum Force a contender for the strongest entry in the "Dirty Harry" series of films and a classic film in its own right. And holy shit...the violence! Someone is trying to put the courts of San Francisco out of business.Underworld crime figures that have luckily escaped prosecution are being murdered across San Francisco one by one, and Harry Callahan is called in to investigate, despite the reluctance of Lt. Briggs (Hal Holbrook), who doesn't want to go near the case. It appears that someone is giving the criminals the justice they deserve!...."Nothing wrong with shooting, as long as the right people get shot." quips Harry.Magnum Force sports impressive writing credits with the screenplay by John Milius (Apocalypse now, Conan the Barbarian) and Michael Cimino (Silent Running, The Deer Hunter),and acting debuts from David Soul and Robert Ulrich.
Magnum Force is total rip n' smash and it paved the way for the rest of the Dirty Harry movies...as bad as they were..and Harry made wearing V-neck jumpers under blazers cool!

SURVIVAL HORROR!

ZOMBIES RULE.... thats a fact! Just ask George A. Romero. They rule and they are relentless! There are a lot of amazing zombie movies out there but not many zombie comics, good ones anyway...well there is one....Robert Kirkman's 'Walking Dead' this comic grabs you by the throat,bites you on the arm,rips open your belly and makes you wanna know what happens next. Kirkman and Moore totally nail the survivalist feelings of living in a zombie world and they aren't so focused on the gore and horror(but not to worry, theres quite a bit) that they can't put in a well-developed set of characters,situations and prediciments. Ok the first few pages is nothing new to the zombie enthusiast,waking up in a hospital bed and finding themselves in a vastly changed world is a cliche that has played out in all kinds of stories, the gathering of weapons and supplies is nothing new either, but if you are into the whole zombie thing you'll know that this is industry standard...and I love it. What Kirkman does though is he makes this feel fresh and not cliched, his story is steeped in 'Zombie tradition' and instead of focusing on how or what happened and trying to stop it, Kirkman focuses on how everyday people would deal with it.The story is told in black and white, a great choice reminiscent of George Romero's classic Night of the Living Dead. Now I'm not sure how long this title is gonna run or if Kirkman has an final issue in mind,but there are 44 issues rigt now that about 7 volumes.......and the next volume promises to be a belter(those who read the title know what I'm talkin' about). "'The Walking Dead is about a small town cop, Rick Grimes, and his epic story of protecting his family and staying alive in a world ruled by hordes of undead zombies, I like to call it the zombie movie that never ends." explains Kirkman.If your not reading 'Walking Dead' right now...start reading it...its a must for any zombie fan and a nice change from the men in tights!

ULTIMATE DC!

SUPERMAN.....is the ELVIS of the DC universe, he is the ELVIS of the comic book universe! Sure there were comic book heroes before him but he was the first real SUPER HERO. I gotta say though I've never been a big fan of super man, his powers always seemed so ill-defined there was nothing he could'nt do, no threat he could'nt over come, no villain he could'nt defeat (yet, I love the movies...he translates on to the big screen perfectly)..and I've never been a big fan of Grant Morrison his run on the X-MEN was overstated,overrated and very dull...and quite frankly I've never been a big fan of DC comics, their characters seem like a bunch of pristine, infalable do-gooders! (Batman excluded of course!). This new "All-Star" line from DC is comprable to Marvels "Ultimate" universe so it does'nt interfere with the normal continuity of DC's other titles.So why pick this title up??? 'Cause its totally f**kin' amazin'!! The origin of Superman, for example, is explained on the first page. It's told in four panels and eight words..."Doomed planet", "Desperate scientists", "Last hope", "Kindly couple"... It's a great idea as there can't be many people who don't know this back story and we are'nt bored shitless with a dreary old origin issue.What makes All-Star Superman so immensely enjoyable is the way Grant Morrison and Frank Quitely succeed in exploring all that makes Superman such a vibrant and timeless creation,from the inner workings and culture of Kryton, his supporting cast and the character himself. Its funny,almost slapstick at times and sci-fi to the max!Morrison's unique and totally out there storytelling style, and Frank Quitely's beautifully strange artistic style, thats so otherworldly that it almost seems alien...his art belongs on the big screen!He is a sclose to Moebius as your gonna get.
Ok, Ok enough gushing...about the storylines..where to start?? Bizarro, alternate supermen, Kryptonian scientists,subterranian monsters,Lois Lane,The Fortress of Solitude,The Bottled City of Kandor, Phantom Zone,Superman Robots,quirky sci-fi,weird futurism and of course Lex Luthor. I don't want to spoil any of it for you, just do yourself a favour and pick up All-Star Superman...you will never have read anything like it!!

MERCY BULLETS!

FRANK CASTLE.. Marvel's favorite mentally unstable, large-caliber-gun-toting vigilante is back in the Marvel mainstream! In the early 90's The Punisher was all over the shelves, he had 3 titles..Punisher:WarJournal, Punisher:War Zone and of course Punisher(!). The character suffered because of it...each title became very watered down and the use of 'Mercy bullets' was gettin' silly, so Franko's over exposure killed any hard-ass attitude he ever had. Then Belfast's own Garth Ennis picked him up 'Welcome Back Frank'...it was about time! Anyway, Garth Ennis writes the definitive Punisher, no doubt, but Matt Fractions War Journal is severe...Frank has never been so drole, chatty and well drawn...and holy shit, hes been at the bullworker! Its great to see him interacting with the rest of the Marvel universe, villains and heroes! And lets face it...The Punishers Civil Warand World War Hulk tie-in's where easily the best out there! Frank and Captain America goin' on black ops together then bastardisin' the Venom symbiote to help out the little folks....go for it Franko!Punisher War Journal is'nt the best book out there but it will make you crack a smile you're,and its different, its sorta like Dan Slott's first run on She-Hulk. Matt Fractions idea to turn him into a psychopathic Captain America was a gem, and givin him a taste of the Venom symbiote too...whats not to like!